Why it's time to enter your self-lust era
🌹 An invitation 🌹
It’s Valentine’s weekend - and my Instagram feed is full of either gushing couples or people lamenting the state of dating apps right now (maybe that’s just my algorithms?).
Because, yes, when you’re single, it can feel like one of those annual touch points - like New Year’s Eve - designed to make you feel more aware of it than ever. Well, I reject that.
I think people should absolutely celebrate being in happy, healthy relationships - and all of the work that goes into sustaining that. Because, although there is most definitely some magic involved in finding your person, it takes a lot more than luck to grow a life with someone. (And, trust me, when this happens to me, I will be shouting it from the fucking rooftops).
However, I also appreciate this season as an opportunity to celebrate not being with anyone: this year, I feel very content with my relationship status. I know I want one, at some point, but I’m also grateful to have so much time, energy and headspace to pursue my goals without compromise.
I spent my Valentine’s (G)ay at a queer night out with friends (Big Queer Picnic’s Carabiner in Hoxton if you’re interested), followed by a whole day relaxing, going on local walks and swimming, before treating myself to a solo evening of (terrible) chick flicks and takeaway. And loving every second.
Which brings me to the subject of this post: whether you’re with anyone or not, there is something I think we should all be doing a lot more of - and, that is lusting after ourselves.
Now, I’m not talking here about self-love or self-care. We hear so much about these concepts - and there can be some toxic pressure and perfectionism that come with them, too. But to me, they are the everyday actions we must do, to take care of ourselves. From getting enough sleep and resting to eating nutritious meals and actually remembering to drink water to moving your body, spending time with loved ones, going to therapy or whatever else you need to look after your mental and physical health. These are the nuts and bolts that we need to function healthily.
Instead, what I’m proposing is the practice of self-lust: that kind of head-over-heels, next-level swooning, that is usually reserved for the person we’re crushing on or committed to. The act of going over and above - in the most extra of ways. The zhush. The dazzle. The: just because. And I think it requires its own category.
If in doubt, conjure to mind the ‘Labrador lesbian’: that enthusiastic no-matter-what, mountain-moving U-haul energy (if you’re not queer, basically we move really fucking fast). Think: pillow princesses, showing up to a second date with a gift, creating shared playlists before you’ve even met. Engraved carabiners!
Yes, I am inviting you to romance yourself - and get your goddamn flirt on. To chase that feeling that makes you feel so alive that you want to bottle it. To think about, and really notice, how amazing you are. And to let yourself lean into the awe (in big ways and small).
The power of a self-lust trip:
This is a state of mind I first became more aware of through solo travel - and I do think it’s more accessible when stepping outside of your daily routine.
A few years ago, I took a six-month career break to travel in Latin America, and the cumulative effect of stretching my comfort zone in this way was WILD. From paragliding off cliffs to learning how to surf (ish), jumping off jungle swings, constantly meeting new people, walking along sunset beaches without another soul and navigating scary situations - it’s easy to get lust drunk off the realisation: wow, I did all of that.
For that reason, I still jet off frequently on solo trips, often to remote work by the beach. On a recent holiday to Budapest, I didn’t speak to anyone for five days: instead, I steamed in thermal spas (unbothered by the many couples practically straddling each other around me), took myself out for goulash dinner dates, gorged on chimney cake, took moonlit boat trips along the river, stopped in cafes to write and got lost in books on poolside.
Of course, you don’t have to go away to this extreme, to sprinkle some self-lust into your life. Even a solo day trip, or visiting a new part of your city can give things a good shake out.
Everyday self-lust practices that work for me:
I also try to bring consciousness to this in my day-to-day, with small yet intentional moments and rituals that spark self-lust. Sometimes, it might involve splurging on myself (it can feel great, in itself, to invest in yourself), but other times it costs nothing at all. It might be a few minutes or a few hours or more.
The secret sauce is an element of doing it for yourself, whether alone or not. That there is some fun and playfulness there. A flash of magic, perhaps, that goes beyond the necessary - and connects you with your highest, most powerful self. A bit of comfort zone stretching can go a long way, but so can cocooning and going deep into yourself. And when you’re doing the thing, make sure to bring attention to it and big yourself up in your head, too.
Here are some of my favourite ingredients for a self-lust date:
Dressing up and enjoying the process (plus: taking hot pics, even if they never leave my camera roll).
Burning that Jo Malone candle, just because. (I used to save these for special occasions until dating a French man… Revolutionary.)
Drinking something boring out of the fanciest cocktail glass mid-week, with garnish. (Oh and I love adding anything colourful - my flatmates think I’m obsessed with pomegranate seeds - to my meals, too).
Cooking something extravagant for myself while listening to loud music. And maybe dancing. Just a bit.
Walking around my local parks in golden hour, listening to podcasts, watching the sunset. Any body of water. (Including: cold water swims, saunas).
Making an occasion out of staying in with Netflix: fresh pyjamas, candles, flowers, takeaway, mood lighting and Posca pens that I can use to paint (low-maintenance) while snuggling on the sofa.
Treating my hands to fancy soap (Aesop’s exfoliating Reverence Aromatique Hand Wash uhhh). They work hard.
Buying a new outfit that I feel iconic in. The brighter the colours the better. And, again, not saving it for best.
Long baths with jazz, ideally pizza - or, if short on time, a candlelit shower. (I know, I sound obsessed: but it makes a difference!)
Solo trips out to dinner, art galleries, a double bill at the cinema.
Journalling in cafes: specifically in a way that writes the self-lust into existence (even before you feel it).
Yes bitches, tis the season to blow ourselves away - and go the extra mile to treat ourselves exquisitely, just like we deserve, without needing a reason. No matter who we’re with or not.
So: where could you add a self-lust date to your week? And what’s on your self-lust menu?
Comment below and let me know how it goes… ✨✨✨
Florence Scordoulis is a freelance journalist specialising in LGBTQ+ experiences, women’s lifestyle, travel and interviewing. You can follow her work here.